The Killer Inside Us All (or in me, at least)

I am reading Jim Thompson's The Killer Inside Me.  This is my second, or possibly even third time through.  It is good.  Very good.  It is not as good as Pop. 1280, but what is?

I like stories where characters paint themselves into corners and then they have to go to great lengths -- even a few murders and such -- to get themselves out of said corners.  It's them or him, right?  Deputy Sheriff Lou Ford, our hero in The Killer Inside Me, has an urge to kill people and after he gives into the urge, he spends a good deal of his time trying to stay ahead of being considered a suspect in his murders.  Lou just about gives equal weight to deciding to murder a suspect in police custody or his long time girlfriend as to if he should have a second big breakfast before heading off to work for the day.  He actually spends more time considering the second breakfast.  I like that.  Human life is considered all in all too precious in our society.  I mean, are we ALL really that important, are we ALL valuable, are we ALL worthy of life?  Probably not.  Who's to judge?  I guess I will volunteer.  Feel free to send me your pitches for continued life and I will weigh each and every one in a case-by-case basis and judge your worthiness.  That is my Holiday gift to you, Nationers.  You're welcome in advance.

Cheers,

ETL

Fantasy Football is Dead

and over.  I am officially ending the ChopStar Nation Fantasy Football season a week early.  It is over.  Move on.  Dream of next year.

ChopStar Nation Playoffs 2010 - Week 2 (of 3)

Bitter defeat.  Glorious victories.  It's the playoffs, baby.  ChopStar Nationers are rejoicing in the beautiful competition of it all.  Four teams enter Week 2, two teams will come out alive.  I'm getting a hard-on.

The Buck Nasty play TheGreenpointAttack! again.  Twice they played before, and twice the The Nasty bucked all over TGA.  Easy to predict another easy win for TBN.

The only real question this week is which scrappy team will The Nasty be playing in Week 16?  The Archbishop made some Hail Mary trades to bolster their lackluster team.  While the Gillemonsters seem to be, at best, asleep at the wheel.  Archbishop gets the nod here.  They seem to care.  They seem to hope.  They seem to be almost eager to go head-to-head with The Buck Nasty.  I think we should give them what they want, and then let The Nasty destroy their hopes and dreams in the ChopStar Nation finals.

I already can't wait for next year.

ETL, CSNFFLC

ChopStar Nation Playoffs 2010 - Week 1 (of 3)

It's the playoffs, baby.  This is always a happy and sad time for all of us in the ChopStar Nation.  Happy times for the eight teams that made the cut and moved onto the playoffs.  Sad times for the four teams that didn't make the cut this year.  I have these words of consolation to offer the coaches of the TheFightingFighters, God Hearts SackBags, TheSwineFlu, and Thunderhorses:  at least none of you are Billy Cueto.  That must feel good, right?  Plus, in one short week there will four more teams joining you in your misery.  And there is always next year, so get angry, get mad, get even with all these other assholes in 2011.

Now, let's take a look at our week one playoff match-ups.

The Buck Nasty vs. Leaping Lazaruses

Lindvall brother versus Lindvall brother take 2.  Way back in week 9 these two matched up with The Buck Nasty opening a can of serious whup-ass on the Lazaruses.  This is really a no brainer.  The lack of RBs will again cripple the Limping Lazaruses into another loss, killing their playoff dreams quickly and rather effortlessly -- mostly likely all due to the nastiest of the Nasties, Michael Vick. 

TheGreenpointAttack! vs. Warriors

Let's be honest...the Warriors have struggled this year.  Peyton Manning's interception-palooza has done them no favors.  But!  But, the wise pick up of Chris Ivory in their ever revolving RB position could just be the thing to knock the Warriors past TheGreenpointAttack! in the first week of the playoffs.   This one will be close, but I think the nod will go to the Warriors.  It really doesn't matter much, as whoever wins this game will have to go on and play The Buck Nasty in week 2, so both coaches should really ask themselves if they want to get out while the getting is good this week or the next.  SNAP!

Marshall vs. The Archbishop

This one will be close.  It really will most likely come down to which mediocre QB will be less mediocre.  I think The Archbishop will squeak past, by a hair.  Or, wait Marshall will squeak by.  I can't decide.  These two teams squared off against each other twice in the regular season, each winning once.  I just don't know.  Maybe a tie would be fitting.  The one thing I do know is that a check for $20 from The Archbishop's coach is burning a hole in my pocket right now -- that's right, they are all paid up, leaving only one cocksucking deadbeat in the Nation that still hasn't paid.

Millbrook Midgets vs. Gillemonster

Ah, the epic battle of third string WRs...who will win?  Who knows?  I guess whichever team's third string WR actually decides to step up.  Millbrook Midgets's coach still owes me...nay, he owes all of us in the ChopStar Nation $20, so I suppose all of us should collectively root against him.  I mean it is only $20, but it's the principle of the thing.  Pay your debts,  man.

So there it is.  I know I don't say this enough, but win-lose-or-draw, I love all of you in the Nation.  I am getting sad now.  I hate it when football season ends.  What will I do with myself?  Tear.

ETL
CSNFFLC

Playoffs

The Buck Nasty (no surprise) have clinched a playoff berth. 

The top eight teams move on to the playoffs, so the season is far from over.  Keep fighting the good fight, Nationers.  But, still, I am sad we are over half done with the season.  I wish we had suspended-animation chambers that I could crawl into just after the Superbowl, not to be woken from until late August, when I can start mapping out my pre-season rankings.  Why don't we have things like that?  Scientist really are a bunch goldbricking assholes that waste their time doing useless things like mapping genomes and trying to prove that human beings have some negative effect on the planet.  These guys need to quit working on these crazy Liberal fantasies, and need to get back to some tangible achievements.  This is a call for all you scientists out there: get off your asses and get some Fantasy Football suspended-animation pods in the works.  How hard could it be?

In other much less important news...TheGreenpiontAttack! has also clinched a playoff berth, but no one really cares...not us, not his mother, not his father, not his wife, not GOD. 

And in other even less important news....Billy Cueto is still dead.

ETL, CSNFFLC

ChopStar Nation - Week 8

Hello Nationers.  Today we're going to take a look at each and every member of the ChopStar Nation, in order of desperation.

12.  God Hearts SackBags (2-5-0).  The 2009 ChopStar Nation Champs are having a tough go at it in 2010.  They simply suck.  After a being routed by The Buck Nasty last week, and after being routed for the four weeks before that, the big question for all of us in the Nation is if the SackBags have it in them to rally in the second half in the season?  Frankly, I don't know.  Andre Johnson and Matt Schaub have under performed, and the SackBags have little else to brag about.  I think the coach needs to rally the troops and make some drops/adds or some trades and see if they can a go of it.  But they probably won't.

11.  TheFightingFighters (2-5-0).  Aging and injured quarterbacks are killing the Fighters.  Piss poor RBs and WRs do them no favors either.  And, what is up with Baltimore's DEF?  I thought they were suppose to be good.  2010 has not been a good inaugural for the Fighters.  I can only say, bank on Kenny Britt and Ray Rice and believe in next year.  Never say die.

10.  Thunderhorses (2-5-0).  I have to admit to being most surprised in how much the Thunderhorses suck.  I happen to know the coach of the Thunderhorses pretty well (we'll always have Paris), and I know he's a competitive motherfucker, so what's the problem?  Maybe it's all Ronnie Brown's fault.  Maybe it's Eli Manning's.  Maybe it's the Thunderhorses horrendous picking before the season even started.  I don't know.  They just seem to suck, but I do know Thunderhorses like to charge in and kill people dead with their broadswords, so there just may be  hope.

9.   The SwineFlu (2-5-0).  This team sucks too.  The coach of The SwineFlu is not playing to compete.  Is he lazy?  Is he unlucky?  Is he really a doctor?  Will Donald Driver ever catch a ball again?  Why does pretty-boy Phillip Rivers insist on being so mediocre?  These are questions that are plaguing The SwineFlu's 2010 ChopStar Nation campaign for glory.  Get it together, Doctor.  Maybe naming your daughter ChopStar could get this thing going in the right direction?  Just a suggestion.

8.   Gillemonster (3-4-0).  This New Orleans centric team is being hampered by being New Orleans centric.  The Super Bowl champs are playing anything but like Super Bowl champs.  But they can't suck forever, right?  And why doesn't the coach of the Gillemonster's ever smack talk?  Is it karma that is keeping them in the bottom of ChopStar rankings?  Who knows, but the silence certainly can't be helping things, I mean, come on, we're a community here.

7.  Leaping Lazaruses (3-4-0).  Does this team suck because they have stupidest name in the ChopStar Nation (and this is saying something, with a league with TheFightingFighters and The SwineFlu in it)?  Probably.  That's got to be it.  That and completely shitty running backs.  Oh, and shitty WRs doesn't help much either.  I mean, come on, Aaron Rodgers and the Steelers DEF does not a championship fantasy football team make.  Get in the game LL.  Get in the motherfucking game.

6.   Marshall (3-4-0).  Right in the middle of the pack is our high scoring, but still losing, Marshall.  And they've lost Romo, who pretty much was sucking anyway, but still that is hard loss.  But, who's this they have on the bench...Kyle -- The Big Bomb -- Orton, what?  That's a big gun to be leaving on the old pine, Marshall.  Get him in the game.  With Roddy White, your RBs, and Giants DEF, I see some more high scoring in Marshall's future.  Maybe even a win or two.

5.   The Warriors (4-3-0).  Honestly, this is a team that I am surprised is 4-3.  They aren't good.  But they have won two in a row.  And Peyton Manning is coming back from his bye, so along with some scrappy WRs and RBs, The Warriors may just come on even stronger in the second half of the season.  They will most assuredly get crushed in the playoffs, kind of making them the Philadelphia Eagles of the ChopStar Nation.

4.  The Archbishop (5-2-0).  Ah, the team we all love to hate, and with good reason.  They keep winning, and with shitty QBs to boot.  What's that about?  I honestly don't know how they keep winning with sub-par RBs and aging WRs.  But they do, making it easier for us to hate them all the more, especially since they have still not paid their ChopStar Nation dues -- FUCKING DEADBEATS.

3.   The Buck Nasty (5-2-0).  A short, scrappy, under educated kid from Nebraska come along and changed the ChopStar Nation forever.  And that kid is Danny Motherfucking Woodhead, and I love him, and not just for his name and his height and his scrappiness and his home state and his truly awful facial hair.  I love him because he makes The Buck Nasty a better team.  We -- The Buck Nasty -- are going to roll through the playoffs on the back of Danny Woodhead, and I don't entirely mean that in a gay way.

2.   Millbrook Midgets (5-2-0).  The comeback story of 2010 has got to be the Midgets.  They were sucking for a while, and then they decided to quit sucking, so they won three in a row, putting up some killer numbers.  And most of this was due to Darren McFadden.  Who would have guessed?  Not me.  They just may go the distance, but it won't matter because they won't win any money, because they have still not paid their ChopStar Nation dues -- FUCKING DEADBEATS.

1.   TheGreenpointAttack! (6-1-0).   TheGreenpointAttack! is like the Iron Ayatollah of 2010.  Everyone hates them for winning.  Come on, six wins in a row.  That's fucking bullshit.  Never fear, they get a double buckshot of The Buck Nasty this week and the Nasty will knock them back to down to Earth.

So, there you have it.  That is the ChopStar Nation in a nut shell.  If it makes anyone feel better, The Buck Nasty came out 6-0 in 2009 and went on to lose every game after that.  Not that that will happen to them this year, but it will more than likely happen to some bunch of assholes like TheGreenpointAttack!  Just saying.

Oh, we at the ChopStar Nation headquarters got a drunken late night call from Billy Cueto last night, and he was all like "Hey guys, how is fantasy football going this year?  Does anyway, you know, ask about me?"  We gave him a good 30 seconds of silence and then we said, "If you weren't already dead to us here at the ChopStar Nation, we would stab you in the head with a pair of scissors and collectively fuck you in your brainhole, but you are already dead to us, so we will just wish you a goodnight and ask you never to call again."  And he was like, "I made the biggest mistake of my life when I quit the Nation.  I no longer get to the best tables in the best restaurants, cops give me tickets for parking in handicap spots, and women now snicker when they see my ridiculously small penis."

He was still crying when we disconnected.

ETL, CSNFFLC

ChopStar...the baby!!!!

This just in....

It has come to the CSNFFLC's attention that our nation is, as of late, procreating like rabbits.  So, in an unusual show of charity, this very same CSNFFLC has decided to wave the 2011's registration fee for the first member of the Nation that names their offspring ChopStar.

Wow!!!

What a deal.  You'd better get in on this while you still can.  Remember, this registration fee waiving is only for the first of you to do this, but legally changing the name of an already born child will be accepted as well, just as long as the proper documentation is produced.

I have no idea what has gotten into me.  It must this beautiful fall weather we're having in NYC today.

E. Tyler Lindvall, CSNFFLC

Week 5 in the ChopStar Nation

Well, for me at least, Week 5 motherfucking sucked.  I lost to the worst team in all of Fantasy Football...the Thunderhorses.  Seriously, these guys suck.  Really suck.  What does that say about The Buck Nasty, to have lost so profoundly to such an utterly awful team?  It says we are some charitable motherfuckers.  And we are.  I threw the guy a bone.  I mean The Buck Nasty is so good, and will continue to be so good, that they can afford to throw a couple (you're also welcome TheFightingFighters) pity losses.  ETL, CSNFFLC is nothing if not a really nice guy.  You heard it here first.

What else is going on around the Nation?  Not all that much.  Marshall is still stinking it up.  But the Midgets had a nice win, something I thought I would NEVER say.  The Archbishop has finally put the final nail in my argument that there is no God in Fantasy Football.  And I think we should all start collectively hating TheGreenpointAttack!  Not like we hate Billy Cueto, but more like how we used to hate The Archbishop.

Week 6 should be a good one.

ETL, CSNFFLC

ChopStar Nation + 1

We have grown by one.  The coach of God Hearts Sackbags had some time ago, let's just guess and say nine months ago, knocked up his wife, and what come from all of that was a baby boy.  Please join me in welcoming our newest member of the ChopStar Nation:  E. Tyler Lindvall Gonzales!!!! 

ETLG was born on October 6, 2010.  Adhering to the mother's wishes, E. Tyler Lindvall Gonzales will be referred, particularly in her presence, as Dashiell Grey Gonzales.

Pocket Full O Pesos

It is true that we here at the ChopStar Nation are a multicultural bunch.  We have a bunch of white guys, a couple of white ladies, a Jew, a Mexican, and whatever Farooq is.  Mix us all together and you get the ChopStar Nation.  We are the Benetton Ad of Fantasy Football leagues.  As it has long been said, there is no gender, religion, or color in Fantasy Football.  That is, of course, if you don't count the GREEN.  The sweet color of money.  We are competitive bunch here, it is no secret.  And in that spirit of competition we have added the layer of not only playing for the world renowned fame that instantly comes from being crowned King (or Queen) of the ChopStar Nation, we added a pot of gold for the winner (and second placer).  This layer was mostly added to satiate some of Mr. Bartelmay's lust for gambling, of course, but until he asks for our help we must let him roll down that road of ruin.  It must be noted, this pot of gold didn't just magically appear one day.  I may be good with money, but I have yet to be able to make some from none (yet).  No, to give the first and second placers in ChopStar Nation 2010 their winnings, it was required that each and every member to donate a nonrefundable $20 entrance fee to participate in what has become the nation's hottest Fantasy Football league.  Not a real hard concept...for some.

J. Manuel Gonzales is now, as of yesterday, a paid in full member of the ChopStar Nation.  Manny, we thank you.  And, no, we will not stop calling you Manny.

Who hasn't paid, you maybe asking yourself?  Colin P. Delaney hasn't paid.  But I am seeing him tonight and I, if nothing else, can be rather persuasive to those owning me money.  So, let's count him in the soon-to-be paid column.

So, who else?  There is Mr. Ryan Murphy.  And there is Mr. Farooq Ahmed.  I will now appeal to their sense of honor, duty, and dignity.  What do you say fellas?  Want to make ETL, CSNFFLC happy?

This has been the not yet happy ETL, CSNNFFLC

ChopStar Nation - Week 2

Oh, what little difference a week can make.  The Buck Nasty is still number 1, but what did we expect?  It was a squeaker though.  TheFightingFighters needed their kicker to get 14 points, but the the bastard fell short, only getting 12 points.  Heartbreaking for TFF, but when your team's entire hopes for a winning are put on the back of a rookie RB, in Detroit of all places, you are going to have to suffer through these nail biters each and every week.

The Sackbags pulled out another miracle win over the Gillemonster, proving that God might actually like them more than other teams.  I believe their luck can't hold forever, but that's just me.

Oh, and how the GreenpointAttack! pulled out their win is a mystery to most, heartbreaking to The Warriors, who looked poised to move on through week 2 with 2 wins.  That is until Frank Gore starting running with the rock.  Frank Gore came alive last week.

The rest of your standings can be found HERE.

What will week 3 bring?  Will The Buck Nasty roll over The Warriors?  Will TheFightingFighters get their first win?  Will Reggie Bush, with his broken leg, run better than Shonn Greene for the God Hearts SackBags?  Will The Leaping Lazaruses beat Marshall, or was week 2 the only win they will get all year?

The most pressing question for all in the ChopStar Nation is what is wrong with the Thunderhorses?  Seriously, they suck.

ETL
CSNFFLC

The Woes of Ryan Murphy

Reporting from Millbrook.

Two years ago the coach of Millbrook Midgets lead his team valiantly to top of the ChopStar Nation.  Last year he didn't fair as well, but still lead a decent campaign keeping his team in the middle of the pack.  Now it is 2010 and the Midgets have been dealt not one, but two, season altering -- season ending? -- injuries.  First, Sidney Rice.  Out for most likely the rest of the season.  He may come back, but who knows.  Really, can T.J. Houshmandzadeh replace Sidney Rice?  Not likely.

And this last Sunday the Midgets lost their leading RB, Ryan Grant, for the entire season.  Now they are hoping Darren McFadden will fill their open RB slot, but we fear like others that have hoped for anything from an Oakland Raider the Midgets will get nothing but heartbreak.

But the Midgets did eek out a first week win (needing all the wins they can get), so we cannot rule them out of post season contention just yet.

When called to comment on these devastating injuries, Mr. Murphy said, "What?  Who the hell is this?"

When asked to elaborate on his previous comments, Mr. Murphy went on to say, "Why the fuck are you calling me at four in the morning?"

And with that he abruptly ended the interview, one can only assume in frustration at his current fantasy football woes.  Fear not faithful Nationers.  We will continue to pursue this story.  Possible later, much later, tonight.

This has been ETL your CSNFFLC

ChopStar Nation Week 1 Standings

WOW!  What a first week.  Some real nail biters that went all the way down to the wire.  One brilliantly planned all around whomping (The Buck Nasty), one game decided by less than two points, and one game decided by 0.04 of a point (which is a ChopStar Nation record, by the way).  For all you losers, find consolation in that there is always next week.  And for all you winners, don't rest on your laurels, as there is always next week.

This has been a great opening week for what promises to be a stellar year in the Nation.  I, for one, am excited to see what happens next.

Here are your standings: 


Division 1
Rank    Team                                W-L-T    Pct         Div       Pts           Streak
1.         The Buck Nasty               1-0-0     1.000     1-0-0     155.08     W-1
3.         The Warriors                    1-0-0     1.000     1-0-0     90.52       W-1
6.         GodHeartsSackBags       1-0-0     1.000     1-0-0     57.38       W-1
8.         TheGreenpointAttack!      0-1-0     .000       0-1-0     92.50       L-1 
10.       Gillemonster                     0-1-0     .000       0-1-0     70.42       L-1
12.       TheFightingFighters         0-1-0     .000       0-1-0     57.34       L-1 

Division 2
Rank    Team                                W-L-T    Pct         Div       Pts           Streak
2.          The SwineFlu                  1-0-0      1.000    1-0-0     104.62     W-1
4.          Millbrook Midgets            1-0-0      1.000    1-0-0      75.78      W-1
5.          The Archbishop               1-0-0      1.000    1-0-0      75.62      W-1
7.          Thunderhorses                0-1-0       .000      0-1-0      95.32      L-1
9.          Marshall                           0-1-0       .000      0-1-0     73.98       L-1
11.        Leaping Lazaruses          0-1-0       .000      0-1-0      62.32      L-1

The CHEAPEST MOTHERFUCKERS in Town

Here are the remaining ChopStar Nationers that still have not paid the $20 due required to be in the most elite and awe inspiring fantasy football league in all the world.  Pay up.  Make us whole.  You can pay via PayPal using my email address.

Farooq Ahmed
J. Manuel Gonzales
Ryan Murphy
Colin P. Delaney

You really are ruining it for the rest of us honest (read: paid) Nationers.

ETL, CSNFFLC

Is it Monday Night Yet?

Here is the news for Monday Night:

GreenpointAttack! just needs his DEF and his TE to combine for 64.89 to sweep a quick win over The Buck Nasty.  Easy peasy.  Don't fret CPD.  I believe in you. 

As for The Archbishop vs. Marshall.  This is the battle of Joe Flacco going head to head with Dwayne Bowe, with Marshall coming in to tonight's games with just a little under a 4 point surplus.  I give the edge to the Bishop on this one.  Sorry Marshall.  Hope for lots of Flacco throws lots of interceptions to Revis...not an out of the realm hope.

The big question for tonight is can the SackBags RBs and the Jets DEF come on strong.  The only problem is the TheFightingFighters have a little someone named RAY RICE in their back pocket, not to mention the Raven's DEF, which will certainly eat up Sanchez.  Pick: Welcome to ChopStar Nation, Coach Haber, you are coming in with a strong week 1 win.

Millbrook Midgets will soundly thump the Leaping Lazaruses, who really got no help from any of their players this week.  Maybe the Laz should start looking to make some trades.  Just saying.

The Warriors come into tonight with nearly an 11 point surplus over the Gillemonters.  And they will need it.  The Monsters have Malcom Floyd and Derrick Mason, along with their kicker, yet to play.  But the Warriors will be debuting their rookie RB, the Charger's own Ryan Matthews, and he could end being a monster, not an Arian Foster monster, but a monster.  I am predicting the Warriors walk away with the win.

Now for the battle for the windy city.  Thunderhorses have put all their points up and have just over 11 points over the Flu.  The Flu needs Philip Rivers to have a so-so game against a terrible defense.  Who knew Sims-Walker wouldn't catch a ball?  The inner city Chicago battle will most assuredly go to the SwineFlu.

That's what is happening in the Nation.  Let the Smack Talk fly, motherfuckers.

ETL, CSNFFLC

Undisputed CHAMP (of week 1)

The Buck Nasty comes out of the gate with a GreenpointAttack! shattering 155.08 points.  Did you see it?  Wasn't it lovely?  I feel this is going to be a Nasty year for all.  Enjoy!!!

Here It Comes

Sunday is HERE!!!!  And I, for one, couldn't really be happier.  The Buck Nasty had not one player that played in the NFL opener on Thursday, so everyone in the ChopStar Nation is still all a twitter about just how they will perform.  No real worries, as we are playing TheGreenpointAttack, which is little more than a practice scrimmage for a robust and awe-inspiring team like The Nasty.

In other news, we have the battle of Chicago going on this week.  That is a match-up to watch as far as I am concerned.  Both teams suck, but just how much will they suck is the question on the table.

In other other news, Billy Cueto still also sucks, but he has, as of late, been sucking it up in Philly.  The East Coast felt particular dirty the last three weeks and this BC infiltration was the explanation.  He has returned home and is comfortably sucking it up in Texas.  Seems only fitting for all concerned.

I love you all, even the ones in Chicago.  Rumor has it the SwineFlu's coach's wife is with child, and they have decided -- no surprise -- to name their first born ChopStar.  Congrats to them, and congrats to us all.

Let's get it on.

ETL, CSNFFLC

Updates

Man, I keep meaning to update this thing*.
Then I start drinking.
Then I go to update this thing and by the time I get ready to type I get thirsty again.
Then I drink again.
Then I forget what I was meaning to do before I started drinking.
Then I fall asleep.
This is the life of a fantasy football league commissioner.
So it goes.

This has been ETL, CSNFFLC

* Billy Cueto still motherfucking sucks.  Pass it on.

DRAFT NIGHT -- or -- THAT NIGHT OF NIGHTS

As many of you watched on ESPN2, the ChopStar Nation had its live online draft last night.  First, I want to thank the two Nationers that made the trek out to Brooklyn to partake in all the food I slaved over for the last two days, all in anticipation for the draft.  A well fed Nation, is a blood thirsty fantasy football drafting Nation, as the old adage goes.

Kira Henehan and Christopher Swetala were the only NYC based Nationers that made it out to our newly remodeled ChopStar Nation HQ (thank you Charlie Rengal), and for that they will always be near and dear to my heart.  Farooq Ahmed, Sara Gilley, Colin Delaney, and Ryan Murphy -- you are all fucking dead to me.  These four Nationers live with in spitting distance of the ChopStar Nation HQ, and all four knew about the live online draft 40 days in advance -- 40 MOTHERFUCKING DAYS -- and yet all four were unable to make the trek, even after I enticed them with chicken wings and pulled pork sandwiches.  What more do you people want?  You are dead to me.  Not as dead to me as that cocksucking Billy Cueto, who will burn forever in hellfire for betraying us.  He is uber-dead.  You four are sort-a-dead.  Let's leave it at that.

The rest of you Nationers are excused for missing the festivities here in NYC, as you all live too far away to have made it practical for you to have been here.  Your punishment will be your having to live in other places other than NYC.  Suckers.  You are all not even close to dead to me.

HERE are all your draft results.  Enjoy.

On CNN this morning there was a 45 minute discussion, among experts of varying degrees of expertise, about your own CSNFFLC's choice in taking Jay Cutler for his starting quarterback.  The Buck Nasty is, admittedly, a little weak in the old QB department.  Will Ben "Sex Offender" Roethlisberger mitigate this Cutlerization of the Nasty?  Time will tell.

"BILLY CUETO SUCKS" t-shirts can now be purchased in the ChopStar Nation gift shop.  Get yours today.

Week 1 Matchup News soon to follow.  Here's a little taste:  The Buck Nasty is coming to motherfucking KILL  TheGreenpointAttack! no matter who's their quarterback.  That's a lock. 

E. Tyler Lindvall
CSNFFLC

Chicago: No Longer Burning

Nationers: this is a great day.  We here at the ChopStar Nation HQ received payment for not one of our member's dues, but two.  Both coaches from Chicago paid.  Our coffers are $40 richer.  And I no longer can disparage an entire Midwestern city because the two ChopStar Nationers that reside there are deadbeating, goldbricking, layabouts that don't pay their debts.  Now I will have to come up with other reasons to disparage an entire Midwestern city.  I am sure I will come up with something.  But not today.  Today my heart sings and my mind shall soon be cloudy from all the beers $40 can buy me.

Thank you coach of the Thunderhorses and coach of The Swineflu.  You are, for today at least, my favorite members of the ChopStar Nation.  That will change, I am sure, so don't get cocky.

Look for me on Bravo tonight as I serve as a guest judge on tonight's episode of Top Chef.  I will be live on Bravo's website answering questions after the episode airs.  Be there or be square.

ETL
CSNFFLC

New York vs. New York

What?  Here in the Big Apple we have the Jets vs. Giants.  I just wish it was cooler out, but I will take what I can get.  Football is enough.

And after this Sunday night, all you Nationers will be able to lie your heads on your pillows and dream about all your various options for your starting line ups.  That will be fun, huh?  I, for one, can't wait.

Be sure to go HERE to participate in some mock drafts (we are a 12 team fantasy football league).  Go HERE to log into our league.

Email me with questions, comments, concerns.  Email me if you need  me to send my address so you can pay your $20 entrance fee.  Oh, and, Honness, your payment is no where to be found.  Did you send via carrier pigeon?

E. Tyler Lindvall
CSNFFLC

17 Days Until Christmas...ChopStar Style

This is a reminder to all you ChopStar Nationers: our online live draft will be Sunday, August 22, 2010 at 8 in the p.m. (EST)...only 17 short days away.  I highly recommend everyone do a couple of 12 team MOCK DRAFTS before draft day, so you can get a feel for how it all works, etc.

A special note for all you NYC area Nationers.  Before the draft, I want you all to come to the old ChopStar Nation HQ (my place) for some beers and food.  I am going to put a pork shoulder in the crock pot so we can have some pulled pork sandwiches with the homemade soon-to-be awarding winning ChopStar Nation BBQ Sauce.  I will also throw some spicy Cajun chicken wings in the oven.  Baked Beans and potato salad will round out this culinary feast.  Bring a six pack (or more) of beer and a laptop for the drafting.  Come at 6, so we can be properly primed come draft time.

Email me if you can make it.

Yours,

ETL
CSNFFLC

12 Teams Enter...

What?  We got all twelve teams registered (still only one person has paid their dues, but I am not going to rant about that right now) in the ChopStar Nation.

First, we need to welcome our newest member, Mr. Gordon B. N. Haber, coach of the awkwardly named TheFightingFighters.  Yes, we finally got the Haber.  I've had my eye on him for quite some time, never saying anything before, not wanting to get everyone's hopes up until I knew if all the stars would finally align.  We needed to trim our fat (Die Billy Cueto, fucking die) and then I had to pull out all the stops and put  the old hard sell on Haber.  All summer Gordon has been recruited, wined and dined, by some of the finest Fantasy Football leagues out there, but we got him.  He has finally signed with the ChopStar Nation.  Gordon will be a welcome ray of angst, laced with lots of piss and vinegar, all of which I think will add a lot of color to this year's smack talk.

Lastly, Jeremy Honness, the coach of the Thunderhorses, has finally registered, rounding us out to our lean and mean 12 team roster.  Welcome Honness.  Pay me my money.

We got a solid set of coaches here this year.  I think it is going to be fun.

Our draft is in 18 days, 9 hours, and 39 minutes.  Let's get it on.

ETL, CSNFFLC

God and The ChopStar Nation...

I am not a religious man.  I mean, I guess when I have to really dig deep into the old mind and soul and think about the beauty that is fantasy football, I have to admit that there must be some sort of higher power.  If there isn't a god, then who and the hell made up fantasy football?  This is reason enough for me to believe.

That all being said, I am more than a little perplexed by all the team names in the ChopStar Nation that invoke some sort of religious iconography.  I said on CNN the other night, and I will keep saying it until they prove Charlie Rangel innocent, the ChopStar Nation is now, and has always been, a secular fantasy football league.  So, all you Nationers that are naming your teams things like God Hearts Sackbags,  Leaping Lazaruses, and The Archbishop in what I can only assume is a half-hearted attempt to get god, if he does exist, to tip the scales to your side each every week your team steps onto the field of play simply won't work.  God, except for his inventing the wonderful past time we all call fantasy football, has no place in fantasy football.

Oh, and you deadbeats need to pay me my $20.  So far, Sara Gilley is the only Nationer to have paid, which makes your commissioner, the only God you really need to be concerning yourself with, very happy with her and VERY unhappy with rest of your goldbricking asses.

This has been E. Tyler Lindvall, CSNFFLC

23 days, 23 hours

So, there is just under 24 days until the ChopStar Nation Fantasy Football League Draft.  There has been a lot of talk about who will be the twelfth member of the Nation for 2010.  I have some irons in the fire.  It will be a quality choice, I assure you.  There just may be a blast from our past...but I've already said too much.  Be sure to do some Mock drafts so you know what the fuck you are doing come Sunday, August 22, 2010 at 8 in the p.m. (Eastern Time).  Let me know if you need any help with this.

Oh, and I heard from Honcho...he is in for sure in, just hasn't registered yet.  He is already making some big claims about winning it all, etc.  He talks a lot.  Possibly too much.

And, thank you to all you well wishers that saw me on CNN last night talking about the league, our new blog, and the upcoming ChopStar Nation BBQ Sauce, to be sold in all major stores -- Nation Wide.  This is a big year for us, all of us.

E. Tyler Lindvall
CSNFFLC

A Death in the Family

Today the ChopStar Nation is in mourning.

One of our members is dead.  Not technically dead as in no longer living and breathing, but this person is for all intents and purposes dead to us.  Billy Cueto has quit the ChopStar Nation.  I just got the message last night.  He is "too busy" to participate this year.  He can't afford the $20 entrance fee "due to these hard economic times."  He can't take the "overwhelming sense of failure" he felt by losing all time last year.  BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.  So, after a restless night of my vacillating between tears of abject anger and tears of unsurmountable sorrow, I finally mustered the strength and energy to type this update.

Billy Cueto will be missed by one or two of us, or more likely none of us.  He is gone.  He was the past.  We will look only to the future.  I know I once said that once a Nationer, always a Nationer.  That is no longer true.  I spit on the face of Billy Cueto.  He is dead to me.  He is dead to you.  He is dead to all of us.  No longer is our motto "once a Nationer, always a Nationer."  Now our motto is "don't fuck with the Nation and then there is a very good possibility that we won't fuck with you."

A replacement for the coach of team Mayhem is already in the works.  We are still strong.  We shall overcome.

I, however, am sad.

Yours,

ETL
CSNFFLC

Rounding the Old League Up to Eight

Hi y'all. We have eight Nationers registered. Christopher Swetala, coach of the Warriors, and Ryan Bartelmay, coach of TheSwineFlu are now card carrying members of the ChopStar Nation 2010. So, we have eight teams registered, and that should mean ETL, CSNFFLC should have $160 hot dollars in the ChopStar Nation kitty. Guess what? I have none. Zero. No one has paid me. Not even me. We are deadbeats. I am going to the ATM and get me some money so I can pay myself. You should all do the same and notify me when you have your flagged $20, so I can rest assured that you've not forgotten me and your beloved Fantasy Football league.

Where is Billy? Where is Sara? Where is Honcho? Where is Farooq? Fuck if I know. Not only do I not have their money, they haven't registered for the league.

This has been ETL, CSNFFLC

Natural Born Quitters

I have this friend, a friend that happens to be a member of the ChopStar Nation (once a Nationer, always a Nationer), but this friend's commitment to Fantasy Football is wavering. Let's call this friend Willy Queto (a pseudonym that is no where near his real name). And this W. Queto is a huge -- HUGE -- football fan. Granted he is mostly a college (GO BIG RED) football fan, but as even WQ would agree, when the Huskers ain't playing just about anything else will do, football is football. I know this because once, late, late at night Willy and I watched a re-run of the previous year's Division II Texas High School State Championship. Now, Willy and I were drunk at the time, too drunk to actually finish the game, but we were still both interested enough to look up the game's results on the internet the following day. That is love of the game.

Now that we've established WQ's love for the game, in all its inceptions, it is painfully hard for me to admit that WQ's love does not transfer to the Fantasy side of the game. Shocking I know. Unbelievable? I agree. I just don't get it. It is like someone claiming to have all the love in the world for man's best friend and then watching that same someone walk up to your own beloved family dog and then swiftly kick that very same dog through a hedge. You would be perplexed. You would be shocked. Most of all you would be angry...spitting mad. You'd want to grab this guy -- let's call him Willy Queto -- by the throat and throttle him. You'd want to throttle him and cause this certain someone as much discomfort as you believed your family dog just experienced as it flew through the air and had the misfortune to go through a hedge before it plummeted back to Earth. But mostly of all you'd want to know why, why Willy Queto, why do you claim to love something, but your actions say the exact opposite?

So, all this being said, I am at a complete loss as how to deal with a Mr. Willy Queto (I use the term Mr. loosely here) when he tells him he didn't have one of the greatest experiences of his entire life participating in the 2009 ChopStar Nation campaign (the campaign to end all campaigns...that is until this year). What is Fantasy Football Commissioner to do with such a wayward soul?

What should we do with our wavering soul?

Sad now.

ETL
CSNFFLC

A Little Bit Country

Next up is Mr. Ryan Murphy, world famous poet and ex-chain smoker. He is our only coach living out in the wilds and open country this year. So he will be making his picks via carrier pigeon or smoke signal. On a side note, he now writes his poems in the dirt on the side of a dirt road with a stick for none to see. Usually his tears wash away the poem before the wind can whisk them away into oblivion, but sometimes the wind wins out.

The Millbrook Midgets maybe small in stature and manners and good graces, but they are mighty in throwing cowpies and wooing innocent farm maidens. That's what I heard at least.

Welcome mighty Midgets, may you do better than you did last year.

ETL
CSNFFLC

Greenpoint REPRESENTS!!!

Another ChopStar Nationer has registered. Our 2009 sleeping dark horse, and third place winner, has signed in and changed his team's name. Colin P. Delaney, the coach of 2009's Kirketeers is now the coach of the 2010's TheGreenpointAttack! (all one word and exclamation point required, one can only assumes). Glad to have him aboard. Okay, I am okay with having him aboard.

I joke. I kid. Then I joke again.

Funny note, CPD didn't even know what a football looked before joining the ChopStar Nation, choosing instead to spend his formative years knee deep in interpretive dance and mime. So, that only proves that anyone can get the fantasy football bug and be moderately successful at it.

Another funny note, CPD isn't even close to being moderately successful at anything else, and he recently shared with me that if he didn't have the ChopStar Nation in his life he would most likely end his miserable existence. I told him that leaving Greenpoint would probably help a great deal in turning his doldrums around, but what do I know? He claims that the smell of cabbage is calming to him.

Anyway, keep the hits coming.

Cheers,

ETL
CSNFFLC

Time Ticking By

40 days, 10 hours, and 43 minutes until ChopStar Nation's live online draft.

Team Four

Oh, shit you all. Team four is registered and they are coached by none other than the former apple of my own mom's eye...that is until I be birthed. Now my mom can hardly remember having a son before I. Such is the plight of Scott Sarver Lindvall, coach of the Leaping Lazaruses. Just when we thought no name could be worse than God Hearts Sackbags, along comes coach SSLindvall to put our fears to bed.

S. Sarver Lindvall hasn't paid his $20 fee either. In fact he sent your esteemed league commissioner a note earlier this evening, and I am quoting now, "Can I owe you the $20? You can have one of my kids if I don't pay, but I get to pick which one." Which is now out there in the world, out in the world to be read by the singles of you reading this blog. I hope he gives me the quickest and most sure footed one. Beers don't fetch themselves. Scotch and sodas don't fix themselves.

More tomorrow, I am sure. Sweet dreams for all of you in the ChopStar Nation. Fear and loathing for all you on the outside, wishing and dreaming to be on sweet soft inside.

This has been ETL, CSNFFLC

The Third Team

We have our third team registered.

The coach of God Hearts Sackbags, our rather illustrious winner of the ChopStar Nation 2009, has graced us by registering his team this very afternoon. He is currently unemployed and probably has little else to do, so really the question that needs to be begged is what took the guy so damn long. Bygones now, as J. Manuel Gonzales, the coach, of the Sackbags is all registered (as of yet unpaid, but we will bother him about that later). He has unfortunately decided to keep his team's unfortunate name, proving him to be...what? Superstitious? Lazy? Or does he really believe putting "God Hearts" in front of any old word will give his fantasy football team some sort of divine protection?

We will, more than likely, delve deeper into the wishes, wants, and desires that plow through the mind of JMG at a later date. This blog has lots of space for just such silly things.

Who will be our fourth? I am all a twitter with anticipation.

ETL
CSNFFLC

A Long Tall Draft is a Coming

This is a reminder to all you ChopStar Nationers. Our live online draft will be Sunday, August 22, 2010 at 8 in the p.m. (EST). Be sure to register and pay me $20. Don't make me hunt you deadbeats down.

So far we have exactly two teams registered: The Buck Nasty (my personal favorite) and Marshall (my current second favorite, but that is subject to change depending on my fancy...sorry, but it's true).

All funny and interesting posts will be conveyed via this blog, so we can share our interchanges with the world, something, I believe, the world has needed for quite some time.

Word!

E. Tyler Lindvall
ChopStar Nation Fantasy Football League Commissioner

Link to the ChopStar Nation

Check us out at:

http://football.fantasysports.yahoo.com/league/chopstar_nation