ChopStar Nation - Week 8

Hello Nationers.  Today we're going to take a look at each and every member of the ChopStar Nation, in order of desperation.

12.  God Hearts SackBags (2-5-0).  The 2009 ChopStar Nation Champs are having a tough go at it in 2010.  They simply suck.  After a being routed by The Buck Nasty last week, and after being routed for the four weeks before that, the big question for all of us in the Nation is if the SackBags have it in them to rally in the second half in the season?  Frankly, I don't know.  Andre Johnson and Matt Schaub have under performed, and the SackBags have little else to brag about.  I think the coach needs to rally the troops and make some drops/adds or some trades and see if they can a go of it.  But they probably won't.

11.  TheFightingFighters (2-5-0).  Aging and injured quarterbacks are killing the Fighters.  Piss poor RBs and WRs do them no favors either.  And, what is up with Baltimore's DEF?  I thought they were suppose to be good.  2010 has not been a good inaugural for the Fighters.  I can only say, bank on Kenny Britt and Ray Rice and believe in next year.  Never say die.

10.  Thunderhorses (2-5-0).  I have to admit to being most surprised in how much the Thunderhorses suck.  I happen to know the coach of the Thunderhorses pretty well (we'll always have Paris), and I know he's a competitive motherfucker, so what's the problem?  Maybe it's all Ronnie Brown's fault.  Maybe it's Eli Manning's.  Maybe it's the Thunderhorses horrendous picking before the season even started.  I don't know.  They just seem to suck, but I do know Thunderhorses like to charge in and kill people dead with their broadswords, so there just may be  hope.

9.   The SwineFlu (2-5-0).  This team sucks too.  The coach of The SwineFlu is not playing to compete.  Is he lazy?  Is he unlucky?  Is he really a doctor?  Will Donald Driver ever catch a ball again?  Why does pretty-boy Phillip Rivers insist on being so mediocre?  These are questions that are plaguing The SwineFlu's 2010 ChopStar Nation campaign for glory.  Get it together, Doctor.  Maybe naming your daughter ChopStar could get this thing going in the right direction?  Just a suggestion.

8.   Gillemonster (3-4-0).  This New Orleans centric team is being hampered by being New Orleans centric.  The Super Bowl champs are playing anything but like Super Bowl champs.  But they can't suck forever, right?  And why doesn't the coach of the Gillemonster's ever smack talk?  Is it karma that is keeping them in the bottom of ChopStar rankings?  Who knows, but the silence certainly can't be helping things, I mean, come on, we're a community here.

7.  Leaping Lazaruses (3-4-0).  Does this team suck because they have stupidest name in the ChopStar Nation (and this is saying something, with a league with TheFightingFighters and The SwineFlu in it)?  Probably.  That's got to be it.  That and completely shitty running backs.  Oh, and shitty WRs doesn't help much either.  I mean, come on, Aaron Rodgers and the Steelers DEF does not a championship fantasy football team make.  Get in the game LL.  Get in the motherfucking game.

6.   Marshall (3-4-0).  Right in the middle of the pack is our high scoring, but still losing, Marshall.  And they've lost Romo, who pretty much was sucking anyway, but still that is hard loss.  But, who's this they have on the bench...Kyle -- The Big Bomb -- Orton, what?  That's a big gun to be leaving on the old pine, Marshall.  Get him in the game.  With Roddy White, your RBs, and Giants DEF, I see some more high scoring in Marshall's future.  Maybe even a win or two.

5.   The Warriors (4-3-0).  Honestly, this is a team that I am surprised is 4-3.  They aren't good.  But they have won two in a row.  And Peyton Manning is coming back from his bye, so along with some scrappy WRs and RBs, The Warriors may just come on even stronger in the second half of the season.  They will most assuredly get crushed in the playoffs, kind of making them the Philadelphia Eagles of the ChopStar Nation.

4.  The Archbishop (5-2-0).  Ah, the team we all love to hate, and with good reason.  They keep winning, and with shitty QBs to boot.  What's that about?  I honestly don't know how they keep winning with sub-par RBs and aging WRs.  But they do, making it easier for us to hate them all the more, especially since they have still not paid their ChopStar Nation dues -- FUCKING DEADBEATS.

3.   The Buck Nasty (5-2-0).  A short, scrappy, under educated kid from Nebraska come along and changed the ChopStar Nation forever.  And that kid is Danny Motherfucking Woodhead, and I love him, and not just for his name and his height and his scrappiness and his home state and his truly awful facial hair.  I love him because he makes The Buck Nasty a better team.  We -- The Buck Nasty -- are going to roll through the playoffs on the back of Danny Woodhead, and I don't entirely mean that in a gay way.

2.   Millbrook Midgets (5-2-0).  The comeback story of 2010 has got to be the Midgets.  They were sucking for a while, and then they decided to quit sucking, so they won three in a row, putting up some killer numbers.  And most of this was due to Darren McFadden.  Who would have guessed?  Not me.  They just may go the distance, but it won't matter because they won't win any money, because they have still not paid their ChopStar Nation dues -- FUCKING DEADBEATS.

1.   TheGreenpointAttack! (6-1-0).   TheGreenpointAttack! is like the Iron Ayatollah of 2010.  Everyone hates them for winning.  Come on, six wins in a row.  That's fucking bullshit.  Never fear, they get a double buckshot of The Buck Nasty this week and the Nasty will knock them back to down to Earth.

So, there you have it.  That is the ChopStar Nation in a nut shell.  If it makes anyone feel better, The Buck Nasty came out 6-0 in 2009 and went on to lose every game after that.  Not that that will happen to them this year, but it will more than likely happen to some bunch of assholes like TheGreenpointAttack!  Just saying.

Oh, we at the ChopStar Nation headquarters got a drunken late night call from Billy Cueto last night, and he was all like "Hey guys, how is fantasy football going this year?  Does anyway, you know, ask about me?"  We gave him a good 30 seconds of silence and then we said, "If you weren't already dead to us here at the ChopStar Nation, we would stab you in the head with a pair of scissors and collectively fuck you in your brainhole, but you are already dead to us, so we will just wish you a goodnight and ask you never to call again."  And he was like, "I made the biggest mistake of my life when I quit the Nation.  I no longer get to the best tables in the best restaurants, cops give me tickets for parking in handicap spots, and women now snicker when they see my ridiculously small penis."

He was still crying when we disconnected.

ETL, CSNFFLC

ChopStar...the baby!!!!

This just in....

It has come to the CSNFFLC's attention that our nation is, as of late, procreating like rabbits.  So, in an unusual show of charity, this very same CSNFFLC has decided to wave the 2011's registration fee for the first member of the Nation that names their offspring ChopStar.

Wow!!!

What a deal.  You'd better get in on this while you still can.  Remember, this registration fee waiving is only for the first of you to do this, but legally changing the name of an already born child will be accepted as well, just as long as the proper documentation is produced.

I have no idea what has gotten into me.  It must this beautiful fall weather we're having in NYC today.

E. Tyler Lindvall, CSNFFLC

Week 5 in the ChopStar Nation

Well, for me at least, Week 5 motherfucking sucked.  I lost to the worst team in all of Fantasy Football...the Thunderhorses.  Seriously, these guys suck.  Really suck.  What does that say about The Buck Nasty, to have lost so profoundly to such an utterly awful team?  It says we are some charitable motherfuckers.  And we are.  I threw the guy a bone.  I mean The Buck Nasty is so good, and will continue to be so good, that they can afford to throw a couple (you're also welcome TheFightingFighters) pity losses.  ETL, CSNFFLC is nothing if not a really nice guy.  You heard it here first.

What else is going on around the Nation?  Not all that much.  Marshall is still stinking it up.  But the Midgets had a nice win, something I thought I would NEVER say.  The Archbishop has finally put the final nail in my argument that there is no God in Fantasy Football.  And I think we should all start collectively hating TheGreenpointAttack!  Not like we hate Billy Cueto, but more like how we used to hate The Archbishop.

Week 6 should be a good one.

ETL, CSNFFLC

ChopStar Nation + 1

We have grown by one.  The coach of God Hearts Sackbags had some time ago, let's just guess and say nine months ago, knocked up his wife, and what come from all of that was a baby boy.  Please join me in welcoming our newest member of the ChopStar Nation:  E. Tyler Lindvall Gonzales!!!! 

ETLG was born on October 6, 2010.  Adhering to the mother's wishes, E. Tyler Lindvall Gonzales will be referred, particularly in her presence, as Dashiell Grey Gonzales.