Week 3 Recap

Dearest Nation,

First, we want to thank you all for finally clarifying just what a bunch of lazy pieces of shit you are.  Last week we asked for some solid smack talk about your Week 2 match-ups and all we got was a confused reply from the Sisterhood listlessly picking themselves and wondering what they won, and the anal Fighters pointing out a typo in the post.  Lesson learned.  You suck.  We actually always thought that, but it is nice to now have it finally confirmed.

But, we shall sally forth.  We shall prevail.  We shall rally together and be stronger than our individual pieces and remain the mediocre Nation we have always been.

Here's what happened last week:

After an interesting Week 3, we now have no undefeated teams and all teams but one have at least one win.  Who is this 0-3 team?  That is our lackluster Thunderhorses.  They just can't seem to win.  They just barely got beat by the uncharacteristically lackluster Marshall, who had weak performances from pretty much every member of their team except for Brees and Julio Jones.  Sadly, for the Horses, their team unbelievably performed worse, getting a goose-egg from the kicker getting five points or less from five of their players.  That means they got five or less points from six out of nine players.  That is not a good way to win.  Just saying.  Maybe the Horses can beat the Warriors this week, but maybe not.

What else happened?  The Buck Nasty lost to Brew City Bombers, which sucked.  Nothing else needs to be said about that.  The Nasty will rally and take out the pain they are feeling from this loss on the TheGreenPointAttack!.  Sorry in advance GPA.  This will probably hurt.

Speaking of the GPA, they lost a tight and high flying game in Week 3 to The Warriors.  Jimmy Graham, Cam Newton, and surprisingly enough Matt Prater's (every Bronco just seems to seep fantasy points, no matter what position) killer performances just weren't enough to overcome the solid and steady performances from pretty much every Warrior this week.  Maybe GPA can lick their wounds after the assured beating they will take this week and hope to rally for a win in Week 5.

The biggest surprise in this season, thus far, is how scrappy these SackBags have become.  Or course, the piss poor performance by the FightingFighters didn't hurt the SackBags campaign of scrappiness one bit, but still...this is shocking and new for us.  We have all grown so used to the SackBags sucking week in and week out that we really don't know what to say.  It is like the Cleveland Browns rallying and kicking the shit out of the Vikings after they pretty much conceded this season and are banking on a solid draft class in 2014.  That shit just doesn't happen, right?

Speaking of scrappiness, how about this Mayhem!?  They are putting up decent numbers at every position.  The big zero by Vernon Davis (and pretty much all SF 49ers last week) didn't help the Ex Prez this week, but they will back.  Aaron Rogers will see to that.  Still, one has to worry about the Jacksonville Jaguars heavy team the Mayhem! has assembled going forward in the future.  But, hey!  Enjoy the Week 3 win while you can Mayhem!

Oh, SwineFlu!  You have problems.  One wonders how you can't beat the Muslim Sisterhood, who had every player on their team but the kicker and QB under score their expectations.  But, lick your wounds.  Pick yourself up off the floor.  You have Josh Gordon, who seems to be jumping right into beast mode and in Week 5 you should have Eddie Lacy back.  So things just might be looking up.

That is Week 3 for you.  We will have no more requests for you to participate here.  It seems to be too much to ask.

Our own picks will resume this week.  Be on the lookout for those on Thursday.

Cheers,

ETL
CSNFFLC

Rank	Team	W-L-T		Points
Division 1
2	The Ex Presidents	2-1-0		320.88
3	The Buck Nasty	2-1-0		304.90
5	The Mayhem!	2-1-0		288.60
6	Marshall	2-1-0		277.74
10	Brew City Bombers	1-2-0		281.64
12	Thunderhorses	0-3-0		242.86
Division 2
1	Muslim Sisterhood	2-1-0		326.72
4	The Warriors	2-1-0		289.36
7	GodHeartsSackBags	2-1-0		260.22
8	GreenpointAttack!	1-2-0		326.22
9	The SwineFlu	1-2-0		283.62
11	TheFightingFighters	1-2-0		254.96

Week 3 Picks

Well, seeing how we got no participation -- that's right: zero responses -- in our first ever smacktalk challenge, we want each and every one of you motherfuckers to lose.  That's right.  No picks.  Everyone can go suck a bag a dicks for all we care.

Week 2 Recap

Well, here we are coming in to being knee deep into Week 3 of the 2013 season.  We got cream rising to top (The Ex Presidents, The Buck Nasty) and we have some shit on the floor that we are all trying not to step into (Brew City Bombers, Thunderhorses).  And there is a whole lot mediocrity in the middle, with a slew of one win, one loss teams.  But it is only Week 3, so there is a lot of Fantasy Football yet to go.  The shit on the floor just may turn into gold.  One never knows, does one?

Marshall is already basking in their one-win glory.  It was a nice win.  And, lucky for them, they have one of those shitty teams to play in Week 3, so they just may parlay this into double-win.  But, again, one never knows.

The biggest upset in Week 2 was when our own Muslim Sisterhood tripped on their very large dicks and fell flat on their faces.  True story.  Lucky for the GreenPointAttack that they were playing them and scoring record setting points, enough to have beaten each and every one of us in the Nation.  Nicely done.  Even if it was mostly done on the backs of DeSean "How Long Can I Really Last in this Chip Kelly Offense" Jackson and Jimmy "Thank God I Don't Play in New England, Where TEs Either Kill People or Bust Themselves Up Pretty Fierce" Graham.  Two nice go to guys, but can they really support a rather weak team for an entire season?  We shall see.

The second biggest upset last week goes to The SackBags.  Who knew this little Texas team was going to come to play this year?  Grabbing up Eddie Royal turned out to be a brilliant move.  Go get 'em SackBags.  Of course, the Flu's two terrible RBs and awful TE did nothing but help the SackBags on to their first win.  Got to love it (unless you are a flu).

The Buck Nasty won.  No surprise.

Thunderhorses lost.  No surprise.  They are waiting patiently for the BYE weeks to start and hoping that most of their opponent's key players out the week they play them.  How else can they win?

The Warriors eked out a win over TheFightingFighters.  Tough loss for TheFighters, but nice win for The Warriors.

So it goes.

Were all of our picks right last week?  No.  Were more than half right?  No.  But exactly half were right, so we are still calling that a win.  We, here at the Nation HQ, have always been "the glass is half full" sort of people.  That's just how we roll.

CHOPSTAR NATION WEEK 3 CHALLENGE!!!

Week 3 picks will be coming out Thursday.  To make it interesting, we are going to pick the team that gives us the best reason for why the team they are playing this week sucks so bad.  So, get your comments posted here posthaste and we will see if you can get our affections leaning your way.  Best of luck to you all, except The Mayhem!


Cheers,

ETL
CSNFFLC

Week 2 Predictions

Here we go...into the wild blue yonders of Week 2 in the ChopStar Nation.  Who will win?  Who will lose?  The world is all a twitter with expectation.  Here are your match-ups and here is what we think will happen:

1. The Buck Nasty vs. The Mayhem!

   The surprise upset the Mayhem! gave to the old Thunderhorses last week still reverberates throughout their locker room.  They like to get all the good news they can.  Because, you know, it is so few and far between.  Sadly, their luck does not continue into Week 2, when they run smack dab into the Nasty, who also happen to be pretty high off their Week 1 win.  This one is predicted to be closer than it really will be.  Pick this week: The Buck Nasty.
   
   

2. The GreenPointAttack! vs. Muslim Sisterhood

   The juggernaut that is the Sisterhood against our own little David in the GreenPointers.  This one should really be a no-brainer, right?  Sisterhood should slaughter the GPA, right?  Well, normally we would say this is the no-brainer of no-brainers, but we heard a rumor that Danny Amendola won't be playing this Thursday night for the GPA, and suddenly this no-brainer of no-brainers got all the more brainless.  Does that make sense?  If not, here's our pick to win: Muslim Sisterhood.
   
   

3. Marshall vs. Brew City Bombers

   Marshall really wants to start their come back here in Week 2.  And we would like that for them.  The Bombers would like one too, which honestly just seems a whole lot more likely.  All three of the Bombers WRs should step up and have a big week, dwarfing all of Marshall's little, tiny WRs.  Okay, except for Tavon Austin, none of Marshall's WRs are particularly small, but except for Julio Jones, none of them will put up the numbers they need to to get past BCB.  Sorry, Marshall.  There is always Week 3 to start your campaign to victory.  Pick this week: Brew City Bombers.
   
   

4. The FightingFighters vs. The Warriors

   The question of what to do with David Wilson will plague the Fighters this week, much like it will plague them each week.  And right now, they don't have much of bench to dip into to replace the guy.  So, that being said, along with Warriors looking to make up for last week's lost, and their two solid but as of yet sort of under-utilized RB twosome, leads us to the only conclusion any sane person can make.  Prediction: The Warriors.
   
   

5. Thunderhorses vs. The Ex Presidents

   By all accounts and any measure, this one looks to be close.  Even their benches are predicted to get ridiculously close scores.  So, who is to say which is to win?  Oh.  That's right.  We are.  And with the Ex Prez's Green Bay Packers heavy team against the rattled Washington Redskins DEF, the edge has to go their way, right?  Yep, that's right.  This weeks pick: The Ex Presidents.
   
   

6. God Hearts SackBags vs. The SwineFlu

   Many of you have messaged me, asking if God Hearts SackBags are going to get their shit together.  To which we replied: Like in Fantasy Football, or just in general?  To which most of you said, Well, originally I was just asking about Fantasy Football, but, now that you mention it, do you think they will ever get their shit together in a general sense?  Our answer: maybe.  But probably not this week.  Easy prediction: The SwineFlu.
   

And here are your rankings after Week 1: 

Rank	Team	W-L-T		Points
Division 1
2	The Buck Nasty	1-0-0		137.16
4	The Ex Presidents	1-0-0		122.02
6	The Mayhem!	1-0-0		107.78
8	Brew City Bombers	0-1-0		94.62
9	Thunderhorses	0-1-0		87.18
11	Marshall	0-1-0		84.28
Division 2
1	Muslim Sisterhood	1-0-0		149.78
3	The SwineFlu	1-0-0		128.22
5	TheFightingFighters	1-0-0		113.50
7	The Warriors	0-1-0		95.86
10	TheGreenpointAttack!	0-1-0		87.00
12	God Hearts SackBags	0-1-0		47.52

Best of luck to all of you that are not the The Mayhem!

This has been ETL your CSNFFLC

Week 1 Recap

Dear Nation,

Many of you, both privately and publicly, poo-pooed not only our methods but the quality of our prognostications in our Week 1 Predictions.  Turns out, with the exception of the tie between Buck Nasty and Marshall (more on that later), we here at the Nation's HQ were 100% correct*.  That's right, we NAILED IT!!!  Will this happen ever week?  Maybe not.  But, also, maybe so.  We are that hot right now.

Now on to this Buck Nasty vs. Marshall match-up.  This was a brutal mess, as these Buck Nasty contenders came out swinging.  They nailed Marshall with a good one-two punch of Matt Forte and Reggie Bush, added a dash AJ Green, and didn't go to bed without dropping a double-dose a Jason Witten on their asses.  Then the Nasty laid off, not wanting to kick another team while they were down.  Then Monday Night Football came along and the Nasty shot an RGIII sized whole in their motherfucking faces.  OUCH!  Marshall's coach has been on a world wide tour for something-er-other, and has now returned to the good old USA, promising to knuckle down and get things in order before everything goes too far off the tracks.  We dare any of you to try to get any more metaphors into one paragraph.  It can't be done.  We tried.

The FightingFighters vs. GreenPointAttack!.  Queens superiority goes to the Fighters.  Not that anyone else really wanted it.  The Fighters love/hate relationship with NY Giants will probably go on all year as they roll back and forth with Victor Cruz (a monster) and David Wilson (a complete dud).  GreenPointAttack's team, for what it's worth, did pretty good, just not good enough.  With the exception of Greg Jennings, who was just not good at all, which is no real surprise.  Now GreenPoint's own love/hate relationship with NY Giants begins as he toils over whether they should start Reuben Randle over Jennings.  So it goes.

The Muslin Sisterhood completely crushed God Hearts SackBags by over 100 points.  That's what the Bags get for starting an injured TE and having one of the least productive WR corps we have ever seen.  It may be an uphill battle all year long for these guys.  To top it all off, their RBs suck too.  Have faith SackBags, you will need it.  Sisterhood needs only look to their QB position to know how they won.  Peyton Manning (the other Manning brother, not the one that wants to be a woman and is in jail for trading government secrets -- we think that one's name is Eli) had a pretty special night on Thursday last week.  We all wished we had P. Manning on our team, and if that wasn't so, we were all glad that we didn't have to play against him.  So, thanks Sackbags for taking one for all of us.  You have the thanks of grateful Nation.

The Ex Presidents vs. Brewcity Bombers.  The Ex Prez came out of the gate like a rocket.  They didn't even need one of their three WRs to catch a pass, which he didn't.  They needn't worry as ancient Anquan Boldin picked up all the slack, and then some.  Vernon Davis and Aaron Rodgers did some of the heavy lifting too.  Meanwhile, the Bombers didn't really have any duds this last week, but they certainly didn't have any stand-out stars either.  They will need to look around for a more viable RB2, in our humble opinion, or they could start Ryan Matthews, plug their nose like everyone else that starts Ryan Matthews, and pray he will finally do something worthwhile.  Just saying.

Warriors vs. SwineFlu.  If the Sisterhood hadn't beat the SackBags so soundly, this match-up would have been our slaughter of the week.  SwineFlu has a lot to play for.  They are usually pretty bad.  Not this year.  They are killer in WR and TE, which is good because they are a little weak in RB.  Add on a little Luck, Andrew Luck that is, and they have a solid team.  Warriors aren't completely lackluster, but they have some weaknesses in TE, DEF, and kicking that they might want to address.  Or they just may want to keep losing.  Up to them.

* We here at the Nation were 100% correct in our predictions except for our picking the Thunderhorses over Mayhem!  We were wrong.  We would like to admit it, but that would ruin our 100% record in picking winners for Week 1, so we won't.  Nice job Thunderhorses in your non-win.  With your wonderful WR crew, racking up a stellar 6.70 points (that's not a piece, that is all three WRs points added together), how could you not win?  Oh, that's right.  You have CJ Spiller as your RB1 that's how can't win.  And the Mayhem!?  They had Larry Fitz back in the action and Shady McCoy rocking the line.  Those two are going to take Mayhem! far this year.  We still hate Billy Cueto.  But you all know that.

There you have it.  Your recap.  Six teams win, six teams lose.  No teams tie.  Onward.

ETL
CSNFFLC

Week 1 Predictions

You've been asking for it, so now you got it.

Here are your Week 1 ChopStar Nation predictions, based on geography and other such nonsense in our CSNFFLC's head.  These predictions in no way should be considered scientific, researched, or even thought through.  Many, if not all of you, should feel free to quit reading here.  In case you don't...Enjoy!

Week 1 Match-Ups:

• The Buck Nasty
  Marshall

• The 2012 Champs (Marshall) versus our beloved Buck Nasty, who we can say came nowhere near playing for the championship last year.  So, both teams have a lot to prove.  One team was born in Europe, taking us in the Nation global, while the other was born in our Chi-Town HQ.  That's a tie.  No advantage there.  Seriously, we think this game will result in the ever elusive tie.  A first in the Nation. TheGreenpointAttack!
  TheFightingFighters

• Two autopicked teams.  One formally of Greenpoint, Brooklyn (hence the name), now residing in Queens (so, why no name change?).  One formally of the greater Los Angeles area, now residing in Brooklyn.  Advantage easily goes to TheFightingFighters here, I mean as much as they try, Queens shall never trump Brooklyn.  That's a fact!  Soon the TheFightingFighters will yet again relocate, this time to Long Island City, so if we ever do these geographically based predictions again we will seriously have to re-evaluate their standing. The Mayhem!
  Thunderhorses

• Autodrafted Mayhem! versus our semi-autodrafted Thunderhorses.  Mayhem! out in LA versus the Oregon's wilds drafted Thunderhorses.  Advantage there has to go to Thunderhorses, if for no other reason than the effort, right?  Mayhem! has a lot to prove this year, but still, the Thunderhorses shall prevail. Muslim Sisterhood
  God Hearts SackBags

• Our sole Texas team, the Sackbags against one of our two West Coast teams.  Or is the Sisterhood back in Brooklyn?  We have such a hard time keeping up with where exactly the Sisterhood is at all times that we are now seriously considering putting one of those chips in the scruff of their neck so we will no longer have to worry.  But...anyway...no matter where the Sisterhood is, the advantage here is simple, it will always go against the Sackbags, as we would all like to forget the Alamo and let Texas secede from the Union and go on their crazy, merry way.  Take Kansas with you, please. Brew City Bombers
  The Ex Presidents

• The newest team in the Nation versus the Milwaukee maulers.  Just joking, the Bombers rarely if ever maul anything.  Their too gentle and bad at Fantasy Football.  They are more like cuddlers.  But we digress...Ex Prez is based here in Chicago, not such a far cry from Milwaukee.  So this one is wash as well.  No advantage to give.  Maybe because they are new, we will throw the Ex Prez a bone and give them a tiny advantage.  Super tiny.  Like the femur of a baby chick. The Warriors
  The SwineFlu Brooklyn based Warriors against the Andersonville based SwineFlu is a close one.  The SwineFlu cared enough to draft live even though they were fighting storms and having trees attack their home, so for no other reason than perseverance, the Flu can take the clear advantage here, especially since the Warriors missed the draft because they were "wandering around Brooklyn, taking in the glorious city that is New York and wondering why everything around them has to cost so damn much." Lame.  True story too.

So, there you have it.  The weirdest predictions you will probably ever get.  Let's see if I'm right.  The winners will be FightingFighters, Thunderhorses, Muslim Sisterhood, The Ex Presidents, and The SwineFlu.  Marshall and The Buck Nasty will TIE.  Take that one to the BANK!

Cheers,

ETL
CSNFFLC

Yahoo Grades and Such

Draft is over.  We had about half of the Nation logged in for the live drafting.  Props to Marshall for drafting all the way over in Europe, Norway no less.  I didn't even know Europe had the internet, but one is never too old to learn something new, is one?  And now thanks to Marshall, the ChopStar Nation is blowing up over there over the Atlantic.  We are viral.  I am in talks about getting this here blog translated into whatever language they all speak over there.  But note:  the talks are going very slowly, as I only speak English, and they all speak English too, but in some very thick accents, so I have to get everything translated anyway.  Details, details, details.  The story is they love us and want to love us more.  We will make that happen.  We will be global.  On it goes.

Smaller props to Thunderhorses for valiantly trying to draft their team on their iPhone while roaming the Oregon back roads.  Oregon ain't Europe, but it is kind of close (read: not that close at all).  Just knowing the Nation is out in the deep woods of Western USA puts a smile on our face.  Not a Norway sized smile, but a smile nonetheless.

Now on to something new in this Yahoo Fantasy Football world.  They are now grading our draft results and predicting where each team will end up at the end of a long grueling season.  Assuming that no one will drop or add a player or no injuries will occur, a terribly big assumption.  Here are grades they gave us:

Draft Grades

God Hearts SackBag - A

The Warriors - B+

Brew City Bombers - B

The Buck Nasty - B

Muslim Sisterhood - B

Marshall - B

TheFightingFighters - B

TheGreenpointAttack! - B

Thunderhorses - C+

The Mayhem! - C+

The Ex Presidents - C

The SwineFlu - C-

 

Here we would have to point out a little bi-polarishness on the part of Yahoo and their love/hate relationship with their own autopicking.  God Hearts SackBags autopicked.  As well as The Mayhem!  Yahoo gave the Sackbags an "A" for their own picking efforts, while giving The Mayhem! a "C+".  Nice to be a Sackbag.  Shitty to be a Mayhem!  Right?  We would argue no.  To our minds over here in HQ, the Sackbags team borderline kind of sucks with its aging WRs and thin RBs and unheard of backup wide receivers.  They even got autopicked a backup kicker.  Who the hell needs a backup kicker?  Meanwhile, The Mayhem!'s starting roster seems a bit more well-rounded and solid for a long sixteen week season.  Don't get us wrong, both these teams, along with all the other autopicked teams (and some not autopicked: are you reading this Ex Presidents? how about you SwineFlu?) need some early finessing.  They need some ironing.  Some massaging.  Whatever metaphor you'd like to use, they need it.  But, lesson is learned: fuck Yahoo and their draft grades.  I mean who in their right minds would put not one but three autopicked teams over The Buck Nasty?  No one, that's who.

Anyway.  Off we go.  Football starts Thursday night this week, so be sure to get your roster all set and pretty.  

Talk soon.

ETL

CSNFFL