So, Nationers let's look at each team after last Sunday's Draft and get an overview on what is what.
The Buck Nasty Our beloved CSNFFLC has, shall we say, a vested interest in the old Buck Nasty. But that all being said, what a beautiful team, right? I mean it is magical combination of a young non-Latino QB with a powerhouse offense around him. Wonderful WRs will be the backbone of the Nasty this year, complemented by the monster RB1 Ray Rice. What is going on with the RB2 position, you may be asking yourself. No one really knows, least of all the coach of The Buck Nasty. Fingers and toes are crossed.
Marshall The coach of Marshall freaked out, cried in disgust, and scrambled for another game plan when Mark Sanchez flew off the drafting table. But, let's face it, we all had that reaction. Marshall's coach collected herself and went out and found Matty "The Iceman" Ryan instead, who is not nearly as handsome, but he is a much better quarterback, so I suppose that could be considered a wash. The monsters in Pittsburgh will be a solid DEF for Marshall all season long. Chris Johnson and the aged Steven Jackson are a good tandem one-two punch in RB. WR is a little thin, but when your WR1 is Roddy White, being a little thin in WR2 and WR3 is something I think any of us could live with.
The Warriors Will Peyton Manning stay healthy and play all season is the big question haunting The Warriors. But they have the monster Andre Johnson WR1 and the scrappy McCoy at RB1, so even if Manning goes down and they have to put in the sometimes inconsistent Matt Schaub, they will more than likely be just fine. Plus they have the slot WR2 Wes Welker, who is only going to benefit from the deep threat of Chad Ochocinco joining New England's offense. All in all, a solid team that will hopefully make it to the playoffs.
TheFightingFighters As stated in a previous post, the Fighters had to autopick because they were celebrating something instead of live drafting, which killed them last year, but may just have paid off this year. Rodgers at QB, Larry Fitz at WR1, and Reggie Wayne at WR2, and Dallas Clark at TE all make for a nice team. The Fighters are a bit weak in the old RB category, which could come back to haunt them. But, maybe the great-white-hope Peyton Hillis will have another solid year, just as long as he doesn't get too bashed around because the rest of his offense has little to nothing to offer. All in all, I think the Fighters have a much greater fighting chance of making the playoffs this year with this autopicked team than if their coach had been their picking his team himself.
TheGreenpointAttack! The Attack had first pick this year, and we were all a twitter, wondering who they would take after picking Mark Sanchez, when BOOM! they picked Michael Vick. Everyone was stunned. Did he forget Sanchez was playing this year? It was a gamble. It was a risk. I mean, picking the highest scoring and most dynamic QB the NFL has seen in a very long time, when, all the while, little Marky Sanchez is down their on the draft board...way fucking down there...like in the 200s or something, is a risky proposition. But they did it anyway. Holdout Gore will be a strong RB1 and Matt Forte may actually have a good year. The Attack picked a weird TE, but that may pay off for them in the end. But, you know, it won't.
Gillemonster The award for being the second most handsome QB but one that will actually score some points goes to the Gillemonster's Tony Romo. Will he stay healthy? Will Texas follow Rick Perry and secede from the Union, ripping the Cowboys and Texans into their own TFL of two teams? Time will tell. RB1 Charles and the rookie Mark Ingram in RB2 could be a nice compliment for the Monsters this year. And they will need this because after Calvin Johnson, let's face it, the Monsters are a little weak in the WR. Somebody had to say it. There, I said it. Hopefully Finley will be the giant TE everyone thinks he will be and the Gillemonsters will march on to victory after victory after victory.
The SwineFlu The Flu came out swinging in the RB position. I am liking me some Blount down in Tampa this year. I am liking me some Greene in New York this year. Drew Brees has been a little sleepy as of late, but he will have nice numbers and he gives a helluva pre-game chant, so what's not to like. The sleeper on this team is WR3, Austin Collie, who will be putting up some killer numbers over in Indy. Sadly, their DEF is Chicago, and sadly, Chicago's DEF is not much like the Bears of old. My requests for The SwineFlu to change their name to a more timely health scare have, thus far, remained unanswered.
The Mayhem! Oh, Mayhem!, where to start? We had such high hopes for you as we welcomed you back into the ChopStar Nation fold. Okay, to be honest, we had mediocre hopes at best, but you so wildly exceeded our expectations of being a truly shitty drafter. I have never seen a kicker and a pretty terrible DEF be picked so soon. And then tjey went to draft a WR corp of mediocre to may not do much of anything, but then again, they may do a little bit each and every other week, but then again, probably not. Starting RBs look pretty solid, but then they went on to draft Ryan Williams, who will not be playing this year. And don't even get me started McNabb....The Mayhem! needs to be looking to do some drop/add ASAP. They are still cocky and think they are good, which is something we love here in the Nation, even if their cockiness is delusional.
God Hearts Sackbags God may indeed love him sackbags, just not these sackbags. Luckily the Sackbags were smart enough to draft Stafford as their back-up QB, who will more than likely end up being their starting QB come week 2. Their WRs are beaten and broken before the season even starts. Their RB1 would be a RB2 on other teams and their RB2 would be a back-up on other teams. So these are the problems. What are the highlights...I'm thinking...there's got to be a highlight, right? Their kicker seems pretty solid, but their back-up kicker...wait, what the fuck, they have a fucking back-up KICKER? Why in the hell do they have back-up kicker? There is a mess going on down their in Texas.
The Sexecutioner The award for changing their team name to a pretty great new name but we will all miss the religious connotations from the team names of yore, goes to the Sexecutioners. Their date-raping QB is questionable, but he did find love and apparently didn't assault her before he married her, so maybe Big Ben is growing up. Maybe. Will Kenny Britt get suspended? Will MJD stay healthy, and even if stays healthy, will he be any good? Questions that will be answered as the season progress. Their is no question that AP will be a solid RB1 and Vincent Jackson will most likely have a career year. Will any of this be enough to take the Sexies to another ChopStar Nation Championship? Simple: no.
Thunderhorses I found out later that person actually drafting the Thunderhorses team was not the actual coach, but some ringer the coach hired to sit in for him as he rowed around in a boat somewhere outside Greece. So all that talk of borrowing a laptop from some sweaty French dude was all bullshit. Before any of the rest you Nationers get your tail feathers up, this ringer the Horses brought in was some guy from Chicago who doesn't know much about much. Case in point Cedric Benson in RB2. Case in point Greg Jennings in WR1. Case in point Arian Foster in RB1...oh wait, that was a pretty good pick. Actually, the Thunderhorses team looks pretty good, much better than if their actual coach picked his team, because, you know, in years past he has proven to inept at best. If this team goes on to win the championship, we will have to put an asterisk next to his name on the ChopStar Nation Champions Circle Trophy*.
Brew City Bombers Pretty-Boy-But-Not-As-Pretty-As-Mark-Sanchez-But-Almost-As-Pretty-As-Tony-Romo Phillip Rivers will be spearheading the Bombers this year. Rivers may come in third in the handsome QB department, but he will put up more numbers than both number 1 and number 2 pretty boys. Ryan Matthews in RB2 should make the Bombers nervous, but luckily they have the killer back-RB...what...oh, they only have Ronnie Brown as their back-up RB. Yikes. They were digging deep to find him. Not, like, Mark Sancez, deep, but pretty deep all the same. They should probably drop their back-up kicker -- COME ON, PEOPLE...NO ONE NEEDS A BACK-UP KICKER BEFORE THE SEASON STARTS -- and run out and get a real back-up RB. Just saying.
So there you have it. Twelve teams enter. One team wins. But really, we are all winners here in the ChopStar Nation. Even Billy Cueto.
*Note to self: I need to pick up a. ChopStar Nation Champions Circle Trophy.
ETL
CSNFFLC
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