I am not a religious man. I mean, I guess when I have to really dig deep into the old mind and soul and think about the beauty that is fantasy football, I have to admit that there must be some sort of higher power. If there isn't a god, then who and the hell made up fantasy football? This is reason enough for me to believe.
That all being said, I am more than a little perplexed by all the team names in the ChopStar Nation that invoke some sort of religious iconography. I said on CNN the other night, and I will keep saying it until they prove Charlie Rangel innocent, the ChopStar Nation is now, and has always been, a secular fantasy football league. So, all you Nationers that are naming your teams things like God Hearts Sackbags, Leaping Lazaruses, and The Archbishop in what I can only assume is a half-hearted attempt to get god, if he does exist, to tip the scales to your side each every week your team steps onto the field of play simply won't work. God, except for his inventing the wonderful past time we all call fantasy football, has no place in fantasy football.
Oh, and you deadbeats need to pay me my $20. So far, Sara Gilley is the only Nationer to have paid, which makes your commissioner, the only God you really need to be concerning yourself with, very happy with her and VERY unhappy with rest of your goldbricking asses.
This has been E. Tyler Lindvall, CSNFFLC
2 comments:
This is an email I just received from Sara, the coach of the Gillemonsters:
"You state that I am the only "nationer" to have put in money to the pot. Why the hell haven't you put in $, e tyler?"
First, I want to point out that this is a very ill-advised email to send to your beloved commissioner, especially after your beloved commissioner just pointed out that you are the only one currently in his good graces because you are the only one to have paid said beloved commissioner. But that is neither here nor there. My anger flows, my anger soon shall ebb.
But, however, Sara has a made a good point and in the spirit of the ChopStar Nation's charter, Section 1, where it states that all members of the ChopStar Nation are equal, from its lowliest member (Billy Cueto?) to its most exalted and cherished member, often times referred to as the CSNFFLC, and there shall be no secrets in the ChopStar Nation, about finances or any other such matters. So, I shall disclose that I, as CSNFFLC, will not be putting in the requisite $20 to become a member of the ChopStar Nation, but will instead, acting not only as the Nation's commissioner, but as its Chief Financial Officer, will invest all the other Nationers $20 into the stock market, and thanks to President Obama and his handling of the economy, I will take the vast windfall, less expenses*, which will most assuredly accrue during the 2010 football season, and have that represent your commissioners buy in into the ChopStar Nation Fantasy Football League.
Thank you for your question Sara. I am sure you are thankful for the answer.
ETL, CSNFFLC
* Expenses like advertising for the ChopStar Nation BBQ sauce and the upkeep of the ChopStar Nation Fantasy Football Blog and the beer needed to lubricate the brain that upkeeps the ChopStar Nation Fantasy Football League Blog will be deducted from ChopStar Nation Fantasy Football League's Invest Portfolio.
The monotheistic "God" supports the Lazaruses - spiritually and fiscally (he/she/it should have sent the money by now - if not, who is the Commissioner but God's servant running the league? Thou shalt not question the will of God! Or, said another way, quit your bitching. You'll get your $20).
Anyway, the rest of you can find an older god from the polytheistic religions to support your teams. I am afraid that anyone who disagrees must be considered a blasphamous infidel, and defeating you on the field of football will be even more gratifying. Hey, I don't make the religious rules on this planet. I just coach a virtual team here.
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